"I wanted a lover to love," she said. "Every girl of course
wants that. I wanted to be tremendously excited. . . . And at
the same time I dreaded the enormous interference. . . .
"I wasn't temperamentally a cold girl. Men interested and
excited me, but there were a lot of men about and they
clashed with each other. Perhaps way down in some out of the
way place I should have fallen in love quite easily with the
one man who came along. But no man fixed his image. After a
year or so I think I began to lose the power which is natural
to a young girl of falling very easily into love. I became
critical of the youths and men who were attracted to me and I
became analytical about myself. . . .
"I suppose it is because you and I are going to part so soon
that I can speak so freely to you. . . . But there are things
about myself that I have never had out even with myself. I
can talk to myself in you--"
She paused baffled. "I know exactly," said Sir Richmond.
"In my composition I perceive there have always been two
ruling strains. I was a spoilt child at home, a rather
reserved girl at school, keen on my dignity. I liked respect.
I didn't give myself away. I suppose one would call that
personal pride. Anyhow it was that streak made me value the
position of being a rich married woman in New York. That was
why I became engaged to Lake. He seemed to be as good a man
as there was about. He said he adored me and wanted me to
crown his life. He wasn't ill-looking or ill-mannered. The
second main streak in my nature wouldn't however fit in with
that."
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